Sunday, July 15

Quote of the Day:  “We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong.  The amount of work is the same.”  Carlos Castaneda

34 years ago today I met my husband Joe.  The place- Pineview Reservoir in Ogden Canyon.  We both went with friends to a young-adult activity and because there were so many people and so few boats, we ended up goofing off in the water with a surf board.  We had a contest to see who could balance the longest on the board.  I was able to stay on it for a few seconds but Joe really struggled, flailing this way and that, shortly tumbling into the water.  My friend, Cathy Archer, and I thought it was pretty funny.  I didn’t think more about Joe that day, mostly I was preoccupied with this guy I had recently started dating.  I had hoped he would be there but as it turned out, he didn’t come.  It seems odd to me now that I liked this other guy, he was charismatic and a dreamer.  I was enamored by those traits but he also loved literature so we had lots of great things to talk about but there were a few things that bothered me.  He made a comment about the dress I was wearing, can’t remember the exact words but I remember it didn’t sit right with me.  Even at 19, I didn’t like being controlled and my guess is that he was a control freak.  He ended up marrying someone pretty quickly and I always felt a bit worried for her.  Anyway, I saw Joe the next day at a Sunday fireside and he asked me to go water-skiing the next Saturday.  My friend, Cathy, asked if she could come along to which Joe quickly replied “No”.  Now, you have to understand that Joe’s love for water-skiing exceeded almost anything else at that time and that the boat was already full.  Much to my surprise, I would be going on a date with Joe and about five of his closest friends.  I wish I had stood up for Cathy and insisted that she come along.  

Last week, I spent in Park City.  It was such a great break from the heat in Salt Lake which peaked above 100 for a few days.  We had a condo unit with two bedrooms so that Nate, Mary and the girls could have their own space, with Alex using the fold-out couch in the main room.  Maggie and Kate swam and swam, day in and day out.  Maggie loves the water and is content to play by herself as she dives in and out with her goggled eyes, and Kate, who is barely more than two, equipped with her froggie life jacket, jumps in from the side without a fear in this world.  The pools at the Marriott are so fun, one large one with many small hottubs built out of rock.  Joe and I biked almost every day, one day heading to Kimball Junction and back and the next to the top of Deer Valley.  

I feel so fortunate to be enjoying each day but always the nagging thought remains of what if this is only temporary?  What if I have to face a recurrence?  I realized while I was pondering this idea, that last year I stopped myself from thinking of or dreaming about the future because I didn’t know for certain if I had a future.  I remember Lynne saying that nobody knows what the future will bring.  None of us have that advantage over another and I agree with that but I use to have an innocence about what’s to come.  I thought I had an accurate view of what the future held for me and, of course, that it was extremely positive.  Maybe that’s human nature, to believe that the future will be better than the past.  I don’t know, I only know that I stopped myself from dreaming and I want to get that back.  I want to believe that there is richness in life ahead, that dreaming does help it become so, that all of us deserve to imagine a better life, and finally that each of us can aspire to higher achievements.  Maybe that’s why I awoke this morning with so many ideas and plans about what I want to do with my life.  I could hardly sleep because there are so many things I want to do, so many people I want to help, so much living left to do.  I do want to mention this, I have felt so strong lately that my cancer is gone, that this cancer journey is complete for me.  I’m not sure why the assurance but I’m grateful for it.  I have marveled watching a young mother in my neighborhood who also has the BRCA 1 gene and experienced triple-negative cancer treatment.  She is about a year and a half ahead of me in her diagnosis and treatment.  She stated emphatically that she is cured.   I marveled at her confidence when I heard her say that questioning how she could know for sure but every day that goes by I feel stronger in that opinion about myself.  My point is, we better just make the best of every day because if you squander time, you will pay dearly for it.

Alex and Kate in Park City

Maggie and friend, Lydia


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