Friday, May 6

Looking so forward to Race for the Cure.  Just a note, you can still join Team Joanie- just have to sign up at Gateway.  I am so touched by the support!  Thank you for giving me this wonderful event to look forward to tomorrow and for supporting Breast Cancer research!

Quote of the Day:  “Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together.  And great things are not something accidental, but must certainly be willed.  Vincent Van Gogh

I got the cutest little bag of cookies w/ a small flower and note that says “Somebody Loves You ?!?!” on my front porch.  Also, yesterday when I was working in the front yard trying to put all the leaves in bags, my sister, Jen drove up and helped me finish the job.  It was exactly the boost I needed.  I looked at the piles of debris and felt overwhelmed and just like that she appeared.  It was so fun for me to talk w/ her and be able to get those bags filled!  Thanks, Jen!

Exercise Log:  Joe, Maggie and I stayed up in Park City last night-  Maggie’s been due for a sleep-over.  We had workers coming this morning so we got up early and took care of everything before we headed down to the valley. Later today, Maggie was so great to play right by me while I did stairmaster.  I completed 5.20 miles. (-.09)  It was hard.  I have felt extremely nauseas since Tuesday and I just pushed through.  I figure that I’m going to feel crappy either way so I might as well feel crabby exercising as well as laying down.  It does seem to help to keep busy.

The first thing Maggie insisted on doing when she came over for the sleep-over last night was to put on a scarf so we can be “twinners”.  Really, the power of a child.  She insists that I sit right by her car seat in the back seat of the car so we can talk, well really she does the majority of the talking.  Then when we got up to Park City, she says to me “I can’t believe I get to play with you the entire night.”  While watching Tangled snuggling with her Grandpa Joe, I was cleaning up the kitchen and she says “Grandma Joanie, I love you”.    She just passes right over Joe, to which he replies “Send some love my way, Maggie”.  Children are magic.  I had a very vivid dream about Maggie before she was born.  She was about 6 years old in my dream and I was overpowered by this beautiful, pure spirit.  I have had very few dreams like that in my life.  This one was unusual and I have rarely, rarely shared it.

I think I have to change my attitude towards the treatment I am receiving for my diagnosis.  I hate chemo-therapy and yet it may save my life but it goes against everything I understand about healing and getting stronger.  I’ve always been about taking care of my body and now I’m just watching my body get weaker, my hair’s mostly gone, sores are cropping up on my head and arms.  My skin on my face is becoming more wrinkly.  I have indigestion, nothing tastes good.  I’m extremely tired.  I can feel my heart beat rapidly inside me when I walk up stairs. I am so near infection at any moment.  A cough from someone brings fear to my mind.  And yet, somehow, I am forced to keep putting more meds in my body and trying to deal with it.  I know Lynne has a much healthier outlook on her chemo meds than I do.  I keep telling myself that I’m half-way through, who knows what the next 4 treatments will be like.

I got to talk to Taylor today so he could set up his call on Sunday!  He was calling from Guatemala- can’t wait to view the same volcano that he is viewing!