Sunday, October 9

Quote of the Day:  “If you do not find peace in yourself you will never find it anywhere else.  Paula A. Bendry

One of the hardest things for me to do is to calm the worrying about the future.  Believe me, it’s not lost on me that I could have done all these surgeries for naught.  What if I still have cancer?  What if it comes back?  What if I went through all this and I didn’t really need to because it won’t benefit me in the future?  I have these thoughts running through my head and sometimes it’s really hard to quiet them.  I’ve spent 52 years believing I could control my future- I could dream and the dreams have a chance to come true. But for now, I just have to keep telling myself that this is where faith comes in.  That’s all I have.  I have to be positive and quiet my fears, especially late at night when it all comes crashing down around me.  And then, when I get up in the morning and somehow I see a beautiful light shine through the trees and I know I dealt with my fears, I am comforted and somehow stronger.  

I have been thinking a lot about Steve Jobs and what he contributed to the world.  It’s certain you know, he passed away this week due to cancer (of course) and his speech at Stanford’s commencement is amazing.  He gave so much to the world in terms of what we all use every day and future technology and I’m not the first to say how much I love my i-phone.  His talk is entitled “You’ve got to find what you love”.  He talks about death and says “When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: ‘If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.’  It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself:  ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what  I am about to do today?’.  and whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”  

Later he says: “Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.  Because almost everything- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.  Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.  You are already naked.  There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

Near the end of his talk, he warns the graduates:  “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t be trapped by dogma- which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become…”

How many of us live with the results of other’s thinking? As shallow as it is, I have been influenced by my perception of women who seem uppity, prideful and I’m sure, insecure.  I assume that they act and talk about me and look down at me and it’s probably true that they have but I’m also sure I have done that to others too.  The other day I was playing tennis at the Sportsmall and I played right next to two women who I perceive are that way and I had my short hair  and I have gone through so many trials this year and I just played my heart out.  I didn’t care what they thought- basically I was naked- I have been reduced to that and it felt liberating.  Maybe now through all my experiences, I can stop judging them because I think they are judging me and open up and be understanding to all people! 

St. George- October 1- on bike path during marathon

 

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