Quote of the Day: “Snow endures but for a season, and joy comes with the morning.” Marcus Aurelius
I recently read a book called Red Sunshine by Kimberly Allison, M.D. She is a young mother who was diagnosed with an agressive form of breast cancer shortly after giving birth and then while nursing her young child. She wanted to respond positively to the chemo drug, Adriamycin and so Red Sunshine is what she named the drug hoping that it would take care of the cancer in her body. When I read this last chapter of her book, I felt like she was talking for me. I could so relate to her feelings. This chapter is called Happy Cancer-Versary.
“The earth has made one complete revolution around the hot red sun. The stars and planets have repositioned themselves in relation to my spot in the universe so that I am re-aligned with the way they were exactly one year ago. The weather is similar…” For me, cold February mornings warming up in the afternoon, bits of warm sun breaking through the clouds.
“Today is my cancer-versary.”
“One year and one day ago I was happily nursing my baby boy completely oblivious to the storm brewing inside me. Then one year ago today, I received the lightning bolt shock of a cancer diagnosis. Hard to believe the lifetime I have experienced since then has only been encompassed by a single year. All that water under my bridge- the emotion of the first few weeks feeling like my life had ended, the long road through chemotherapy, the second hit of surgery, and then third whammy of radiation- (I could add a few more surgeries) and of course, the joy of having a good response to therapy, reducing (but not eliminating) my worries about a recurrence. But somehow, bringing time back full circle has filled my head once again with thoughts of cancer and its sneaky ugly ways. LIke getting closer to the abyss again, only since I have seen it before it is not nearly as terrifying. I try to bounce the energy away, keep myself protected, keep the bad thoughts out but they seem to settle in like little cats curling up for a long evening nap. I realize these worries will never be far from the surface and so I invite them to stay a while and listen to their terrible purring. I stay busy…Only if I pause, if I am finally still, I can hear them again whispering my concerns. But I also realize how comfortable I have become with these thoughts so they are actually no longer really fears but little possible truths that I turn over in my mind again and again until they are smooth and round an shiny and digested.”
“One year ago I was completely enveloped in fear, literally shaking like a wounded bird waiting for everything to come apart. But I let go and believed in my treatment, in myself, and in seeing the world as a magical place where good things can happen…. And now having weathered a storm I was terrified to travel through, I can see how much stronger and at peace I have become. I feel like a great energy was born in me and it continues to glow”
“Like red sunshine.”
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